Quotes of the Week: Criminal Minds, Evil, Couples Therapy, RHONJ and More (2024)

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Sunday has come around once again, and so has our regularly scheduledQuotes of the Week compilation.

In the list below, we’ve gathered over a dozen of television’s most memorable sound bites from the past seven days, including scripted and unscripted moments from cable and streaming series.

This time around, we’ve got sage advice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey and Couples Therapy, an emotional outburst from a contestant on The Challenge: All Stars, and a memorable comeback from the Summer House Season 8 reunion.

Also featured in this week’s roundup: double doses ofDays of Our Lives, The Daily ShowandCriminal Minds: Evolution.

Scroll through the list below to see all of our picks for the week, then hit the comments and tell us if we missed any of your faves! (With contributions from Nick Caruso, Matt Webb Mitovich, Kimberly Roots, Ryan Schwartz and Andy Swift)

DAYS OF OUR LIVES
“It’s one of the things I’m most opposed to, including — but not limited to — racism, hom*ophobia and that Grease sequel, my God!”
We’re always impressed when Leo (Greg Rikaart) actually takes a stand against injustice, even when the crime is musical theater
DAYS OF OUR LIVES (Bonus Quote!)
“[Konstantin] and Victor made amends.”
“Amends? Amends is something you make when you’ve broken your friend’s favorite china plate. A Mediterranean man of a certain age does not make amends with the person who is responsible for the death of his child.”
Julie (Susan Seaforth Hayes) sets Maggie (Suzanne Rogers) straight about the odds of the onetime friends having kissed and made up
THE CHALLENGE: ALL STARS
“There’s also a reason that you don’t have any friends, in real life and here. I’ll never answer a phone call from you. I will delete every text. You are just so dead to me, man. You’re no longer my No. 1, but you can sit and spin, bitch.”
Adam is just a wee bit unhappy with his former Road Rules castmate Steve for stealing his star, despite the fact that Adam voted his (former?) friend into elimination
THE DAILY SHOW
“Dr. Anthony Fauci testified in front of Congress today — and, ironically, contracted rabies.”
THE DAILY SHOW (Bonus Quote!)
“We are all living in one reality, and it can be the news media’s job to litigate the parameters of said reality. What the courts do really well is look backwards and reconstruct the realities of what happened. The news media could do the same, but what they do instead is look forward and wildly speculate on the future…. No one knows what the future holds. Ask this person what it was about the 2020 election that they found objectionable, and then litigate the realities of their objections to them, in front of them. So when they say to you, ‘I never said lock her up,’ you can say, ‘I object!’”
THE REAL HOUSEWIVES OF NEW JERSEY
“That exchange, right now, it’s going to fester. It’s going to take a couple days to set in and then you’re going to get the wrath the next time you see her. She’s going to come for you… Listen, I would sleep with one eye open. That’s all I’m going to say!”
Dolores delivers a deadpan, yet ominous warning to Rachel regarding her brewing feud with Teresa
CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION (Episode 1)
“I know you have an issue with him—”
“Hey, he tried to kill me.”
“But he didn’t.”
“You’re going to go with that?”
Director Madison (Clark Gregg) and Rossi (Joe Mantegna) agree to disagree about Elias Voit
CRIMINAL MINDS: EVOLUTION (Episode 2)
“Dude!”
“Hey man — this is a stakeout, not a children’s party.”
The “fibrous” vegan takeout food catches up with Tara (Aisha Tyler), sending Rebecca (Nicole Pacent) running for the hills
LAST WEEK TONIGHT WITH JOHN OLIVER
“It is so satisfying to watch that I’d honestly be surprised if someone hadn’t already uploaded it to p*rnhub by now.”
COUPLES THERAPY (Episode 9)
“I’ve been interested in this whole way of doing relationships. I kind of support the sentiment, but I also think it’s hard. I mean, there’s a lot of ideology that sometimes, I think, masks other kinds of feelings. It can muddy things — when you say one thing and mean something else.”
Orna tries to softly deliver a hard truth: Living in a polycule is not as romantic as it looks!
EVIL
“OK, a Black man, a Muslim and a white girl hugging by the side of the road? We should go before we get shot.”
Ben (Aasif Mandvi) cuts short a sweet moment with David and Kristen after a truck flying the Confederate flag drives by and honks
SUMMER HOUSE
“Everything that we were tagged in, or posted about, was like, ‘Ciara and newbie guy,’ whatever.”
“And you didn’t like that.”
“Well, and I was just like, am I just going to be some f—king dude who came onto the show and is just Ciara’s puppet the whole time?”
“That would be a very lucky spot for you.”
Paige puts West in his place after he tries (but fails!) to explain why he broke Ciara’s heart
The GOAT
“Wendell, did you know… that Joe hated youthismuch?”
Host~~Guy Fieri~~Daniel Tosh tries to stir up some drama after the new Goat Joe nominates Wendell for elimination
DOCTOR WHO
“Your grace, where have you been hiding this absolute delight? With hair like golden strands spun in the rays of the evening sun….”
“[Ruby, cringing] Ah, you’re not a tall glass at all, you’re half a pint of shandy.”
“My dear, you should learn to be admired in silence.”
“Yeah, well if you spoke to me and the girls like that on a Friday night down at the Spinning Wheel, we’d rip you a new one, mate.”
Ruby (Millie Gibson) shows a Bridger-ton of moxie